I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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