he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
