i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
