she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
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She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
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I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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