just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
