New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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