Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
