I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
