Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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