Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
