sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
