Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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