theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
