Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
