Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
So many bounce houses so little time
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
