Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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