god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
When are your genitals available?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
