I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
