She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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