This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
