Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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