My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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