Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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