These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
