OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
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come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We left the knife in your bed.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
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But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"