Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry