I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.