the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.