she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
