Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
