I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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