Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm at about main and main street
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
