well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
