Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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