It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
