what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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