$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
