i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
