How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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