Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
