Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
