Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
