my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
