i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
