Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
