Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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