my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
