porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
