Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Randomize
