Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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