so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
