cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
