My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
