I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
