'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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