she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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