I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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