Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
