I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
